Alzheimers

She hasn't remembered my name for years. She will never know my husband or daughter. At times they see a glimmer of her spunky personality, but they will never know her fully. In a way, I have already grieved the loss of her. 

My grandmother has Alzheimer's disease. A horrific condition that steals the memories of its victims. While the sufferer grapples with day to day life void of memories, their loved ones are left feeling forgotten. It starts slowly. A name won't come to mind, an address lost, memories get jumbled. Then, the frustrating stage of the knowledge of erased memories. The sufferer knows they are forgetting things and can't do anything about it - they feel helpless, stupid, and like a burden on their loved ones. As the lucid moments lessen, the blissful ignorance stage begins. In this stage, I am curious as to what exactly goes on in my grandmother's mind. I hope she isn't suffering. 

In the past few years, I have watched my husband and his family go through a similar experience with his grandfather. It has been difficult knowing how to support him, as we have had similar yet different experiences. My grandfather passed away 24 years ago and was not around when my grandmother began to show symptoms. His grandmother faithfully cared for his grandfather until it was clear that he needed alternate arrangements. 

I don't hate many things - but I HATE Alzheimer's disease. 

While my grandmother and grandfather-in-law are physically healthy, their minds are not. I grieve the years lost that could have been spent learning and absorbing from life lessons learned over many decades. I grieve the chance to introduce my husband and daughter to a matriarch who would be delighted at their additions to the family. 

When I was visiting family in New Jersey, my grandmother did get a chance to meet my daughter. There was a sweet moment between the two of them, full of laughter with one another. My heart would like to believe that it was a meaningful moment for my grandmother. My mind knows differently, but I will let the heart take the lead.  

I miss my grandmother.