Letting Go... Or have I already lost it?

One of life's biggest lessons I have been learning lately is to let go of the things I cannot control... or that I have no energy to exert my control over. 

I have always been a control freak, just ask my brothers. They will tell you from the moment I was born, I took over. I have always been assertive. Never afraid to speak my mind. The methods have hopefully matured over the years, but the concept is the same. If there is a window for someone to take charge in any given situation, I usually step right in. 

Not only that but in my day to day life, I tend to exhibit a slight bit of OCD. Meticulous in my systems and organization, feeling like I may miss something if my life isn't organized just so. 

I am still this way to a point. But, recently things began to change. I think I can pinpoint it.. it was 628 days ago... the day I became a mother. 

Ella started it all when she came 9 days early. I was convinced that she would come on her due date. And that is what I foolishly prepared for. Ever since she was born she has been stretching me in the art of letting go... going so far as to sing that melodic Elsa tune on repeat for months now. 

I have had to learn to let my preconceived notions fall to allow for the flexibility that motherhood demands. There is no way to predict how the hours, days, weeks, or months will unfold. 

It has not been easy. I have been reduced to tears wishing things would go the way I envisioned them. I have fought off my frustrations as my mind forgets things once so easily remembered. I once prided myself on my ability to remember even the smallest of details, and now I frantically write everything down for fear that simplest of tasks will slip from my memory. 

I have lived in denial at times of the changes in my life, only to find that this practice will only lead to outbursts of anger on unsuspecting and undeserving parties. 

I now know that I need to be generous with myself and find a new normal. I can plan, but I need to be open and flexible as those plans may not go the way I envisioned. I can be organized, but if I am not able to accomplish all I had hoped, it is ok and there is always tomorrow. 

What is important is being present and my best self to those around me each day. They deserve that more than they deserve my organizational skills. 

I'm working on it... still a work in progress.