Mother's Day

Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. 

Did you expect me to follow up that sentence proclaiming that all the hard work is worth it or that this is the greatest love I've ever known? While that might be true, that is not the point. Don't get me wrong, I love Ella. But, sometimes it is good to acknowledge where you are at without providing qualifiers to aid to your own peace of mind that you aren't that bad of a person.  

That being said, being a mom is harder than I could have ever prepared for. For my first Mother's Day, I decided to celebrate what I have learned about myself in the last 11 months. 

• My beauty. I have written about this on my blog before. I feel like for the first time in my life I am able to fully celebrate my beauty. In a very true and honest way. My body did something truly incredible and I have a whole new respect and appreciation for what I have been given. Being the mother to a girl has also made me think twice about how I talk about my outer appearance. I have a long way to go. I still find myself saying horrible things to myself out loud and in my head. I am still working on changing my own dialogue. 
• My strength. I pushed a baby out of my hoo-hah for goodness sakes! Talk about strength. But it is not just sheer physical strength I am talking about here. I know that I need to be emotionally strong and stable for more that just myself now. Right now, her main needs are to be fed, cleaned, entertained, and clothed. But one day, I will be called upon for many of life's bumps and bruises and my inner strength will be vital. I already feel it building inside me. 
• My determination. If you know me, you know that I am stubborn. While I actively work on the negative parts of this attribute, it also serves me well in other ways. When faced with challenges, while I may be discouraged at first, by stubborn nature usually kicks in eventually and I become determined to find a solution or course correct. This has served me well so far as a mother. 
• My failures. I know, it is surprising to learn that I am not perfect. But, it is true. In the last year I have learned anew that my failures are my teachers. If I am open to looking, I will learn and grow whenever I stumble. Being a mother has brought a lot to the surface that can be easily ignored or hidden when not pushed to the limits from lack of sleep, lack of privacy, exhaustion, etc. I have been forced to look at parts of myself I had long hidden. And I know I am open to learning from these faults. 
• My capacity for love. For many years I have questioned my ability to be empathetic to others. I tend to give more tough love than just plain old love to people. I am selective with my affection. I was quite honestly nervous about how much I could love a little baby who would demand so much from me. And to be quite frank, it was not an immediate moment where I felt a rush of gushy love come over me when I held her after she was born. I felt responsible, protective, and even affectionate. But the love took some time to grow. At this very moment, my eyes might as well be the cartoon hearts that accordion from my face when I look at her. She has captured my heart and I cannot think of one thing I will not do to protect her. 

All in all, being a mother has showed me the ugliest and the best parts of myself and I celebrate the ability to recognize, celebrate, and improve as a result of becoming a mother. 

Happy Mother's Day!