Infertility: My Story

This is the hardest thing I have had to write up to this point. I am scared, nervous, and anxious. When I set out to put on this series on my blog - I started to second guess myself. The whole point was to open up a dialogue. To make people feel heard and understood.

But, I kept thinking, "My personal experience is not enough." "I did not suffer as long as some." "I wonder if anyone will take me seriously." "I hope I don't offend anyone."

By simply writing those thoughts, I hope to show that my intentions with this series are good. And with that, here is my story. 

Growing up I always had this irrational fear that I would not be able to conceive and carry my own child. There was no evidence to back up these thoughts, but there they were, in the back of my head. 

When I was in my twenties, I had a few minor health issues when it came to my "womanly parts." Nothing huge, but they added to these unfounded thoughts already floating around in my head. 

I then watched as family members struggled with fertility. I bore witness to friends losing their children at various stages in pregnancy. I watched as those I know struggled and then turned to adoption to build their families. If I am honest, it scared me. When it came time for my husband and I to start trying for a family, I didn't know what to expect. I tried to set my expectations low and tell myself it may not happen overnight, but it will happen. 

Well, it happened as close to overnight as you can get with these things. My first pregnancy was relatively uneventful up until the moment she came 9 days early. 

Then, we decided to start trying for baby number 2.  

I hadn't set myself up for a wait this time. I had in my head that since it happened quickly the first time, the same would be true again. I was wrong. I did myself a disservice by setting unrealistic expectations. Each month that went by with another negative test was like a stab in the chest. And then the prolonged monthly cycles and the physical symptoms that accompany it provided a daily reminder that, no, you are still not pregnant. A cruel joke. 

I would see pregnancy announcements from friends and family and they would immediately reduce me to tears. I wanted to be happy and celebrate the joyful news - but something in me wanted to scream! "That should be me... wait for me!" I felt like I couldn't catch up, like everyone was going on without me as I sat there waiting for my positive test. For my cute pregnancy announcement. The one I had been planning.

I decided to pick up the phone and call the doctor. With her list of things to do (and not do) in hand, we purchased the ovulation tests, I continued to chart my cycle, and we followed the doctor's remaining directions to a "T." All while trying to keep the mood around intimacy fun and light - and not task oriented. 

The time came for me to take another pregnancy test. It was 7 days before my next period, but I was so anxious. We had purchased pregnancy tests in bulk, so I decided to take one, thinking it wouldn't hurt anything. And then there was a faint line, very faint. CALM DOWN, Christi, I told myself. I decided that after a few months of needlessly getting my hopes up, I was going to give it a day and take another test the following morning. 

This time the line was darker, but still faint. OK, this could be it! Could it? Am I imagining it because I want it so bad? I will take another test tomorrow morning... 

Darker still. Three tests in three days. All have a line. Is this real? The next day I took yet another test. This time I think I started to believe it. I calculated my due date in the app I had been using to help me chart my cycle. But I was still anxious. The next week I purchased a digital test to confirm what I already knew - and yes - it came back positive!

The final sigh of relief came 4 weeks later when in my doctor's office we saw and heard the baby's heartbeat. The most beautiful sound. I never tired of hearing that when I was pregnant with Ella and I am sure it will be the same this time around. Knowing the life inside of you is flourishing brings peace and calm to your soul. 

I am grateful for my brief journey because it provided me with a perspective and understanding that I would not otherwise have. I count myself blessed for the good fortune that has been bestowed upon me. And I pray for the same to be given to you.