Infertility: Normal

With National Infertility Week wrapping up last month, I feel equally as inspired as I do heartbroken. I’m inspired by the courage, positivity, and love that was showcased by couples going through such a tremendous struggle but I also feel so incredibly heartbroken. My heart aches for every woman who so longs to carry a child, for every couple that is searching for answers. Infertility is something that bind those experiencing it together even if we’ve never met one another. Every day and night I pray for families in Omaha, friends going through this season, and those all over the world who would literally give anything to hold ‘their’ baby in their hands.

Our infertility journey is not a long one by some standards, but like every individual, each journey is very different. After my husband and I began trying to conceive, we both (very naively) expected quick results. Neither set of parents had any trouble, nor did our grandparents, and my sister was pregnant on her first try. So that is how we thought things would go for us. Oh how wrong we were! After 3 months of no success, I went in for my yearly exam that had been scheduled for months. I chatted with my doctor about wanting to get pregnant and she said that everything looked great for that to happen. She said I’d likely be pregnant in no time BUT if for some reason I wasn’t within 6 months, come back and see her. Six months came and went and I headed back in. They conducted another exam, did some preliminary blood-work and gave me a referral for a specialist at Heartland Center for Reproductive Medicine. The blood-work came back normal.  A word I learned to hate almost immediately. After an initial consultation at Heartland, more specific blood-work, a few ultrasounds, an HSG test, a full analysis on my husband, another round of blood-work for me, we finally had some ‘results.’ We made an appointment and waited. 

I was SO nervous for that appointment and I know my husband was too, even though he never really said so. From what we had heard up until this point, all of our results had come back perfectly normal. UGHH, that word again. All numbers were within the ranges they needed to be, there were no blockages, issues, etc. We are both healthy, in great shape, and relatively young. So what was the deal? As we walked into the office that day, unsure of what we were going to hear, I had a pit in my stomach. I remember the doctor’s words clear as day, “I have good news & bad news for you two…good news, you’re both great candidates for having a baby. The bad news? Unexplained infertility is a real thing and it’s the hardest thing for us to treat.” She went on to say that if there was a ‘problem’ that they could target it and try to fix it, but since we looked OK on the inside and outside, it’s much more of a guessing game. For someone like me who is very Type A, plans everything, and is extremely organized, THIS was NOT an acceptable answer. I wanted to know what was wrong, how to fix it, and the time-frame that it would be fixed. Without going into detail, we were presented 3 plans of action. All involved various forms of medication and injections and each was more intense, invasive, and expensive than the other.

Nothing anyone says or has gone through can prepare you for this. Nothing could ready my husband and I for the toll this would take on us physically, emotionally, and financially. We started asking a lot of questions but it got to a point where nothing was for sure, nothing was without its risks and in the end, nothing would actually guarantee us a baby. I’ve been sad, angry, depressed, jealous, frustrated, sick, and everything in between because of this struggle. Infertility has tested my faith, strength, patience, and sanity. It is an ugly situation that can eat away at you if you let it. 

Hearing things like “You’re still so young, why are you in such a rush?” or “Have you tried _____ or ____ because it worked for so & so?” The hardest for me to handle was, “Why DON’T you have kids yet? Don’t you want kids?” That last question is the worst. When I get asked I could break out in tears as I want to just shake the person and tell them that they have no clue what we’re going through.

Overall people mean well. There are so many unknowns with infertility and a lack of public awareness which makes is a confusing and foreign topic to most. As of today it has been just over 4 months since our ‘unexplained infertility’ results and over 18 months into this journey. Again, I know how short that amount of time may sound in comparison to some others (I’m so sorry for that!) but nonetheless I try not to compare our struggle to the couple sitting in the doctor’s office next to us because at the end of the day, we’re all on the same team going after the same results. 

As of right now, we’ve completely ‘Let Go & Let God.’ No treatments, no procedures, no more testing, at least not right now. We’ve chosen to relax and take a step back. Emotionally and physically my body cannot handle pills, pokes, or blood draws. My husband and I have chosen to revisit additional treatment options in September but until then we are just living, praying, and taking it one day at a time. We are 100% confident that children are in our future, even if they may not be biological. So for now we’re trying to wait patiently for them. We so welcome prayers & positive vibes from any and everyone!

If you only take one thing from this very lengthy post, be it that you always strive to have compassion for those around you because despite outward appearances, you do not know what they may be struggling with or what burden they may be carrying on their shoulders.

This blog was written by Kristin Kruse author of the blog, A Midwestern Mix. Kristin is a 27 year old wife, Labradoodle mom & Midwestern girl. She's a fashion lover, fitness obsessed, travel enthusiast who lives off of Iced Lattes. She has never seen a pair of Paige jeans she didn't need, makes lists for everything and has no problem admitting her addiction to Nordstrom. In IT by day and a blogger by night, Kristin is a die-hard sports fan and will always root for her Iowa State Cyclones no matter what!