Breastfeeding

Far before ever becoming pregnant, I always thought that I would breastfeed my baby. And then, after becoming pregnant and hearing from all the experts (and not-so-experts) I knew for sure I would breastfeed. Breast is best, after-all. One pediatrician we interviewed even claimed that formula contained some of the same ingredients as plastic. Why would I ever want to feed that to my child? Yes, I will breastfeed. Exclusively. How hard can it be? 

But, as my life coach has taught me, it is best to keep goals manageable, so I set forth to breastfeed for at least six months and go from there (but in the back of my head I thought – how hard can it be to do this for a year?).  

Then, Ella came. My perfect, tiny, little human. We were able to have our first hour skin to skin after she was born (!) and then start breastfeeding right away! She didn't have the best latch at first, in fact it hurt quite a bit - so we had to work on that in those first few days at the hospital. A few days later at home, my milk came in.

Ella stopped latching.

I panicked. Holding my hungry, screaming baby.

My best friend (who happens to also be a nurse) helped show me how to pump and feed with syringes instead of bottles (we don’t want nipple confusion, right?!?). The next day we went to our pediatrician, also a lactation consultant, who asked if we would like to try a nipple shield and, just like that, she latched on and was eating from me again!  

We used the nipple shields for months, and they worked great for us. I was so happy to be feeding my baby directly. Meanwhile, I was keeping up a pumping schedule and building a freezer stash. When I went back to work after 8 weeks, I began pumping three times a day and found that I was producing so much more milk than she was drinking per day. At one point I panicked because we had "too much milk."  I hate thinking about that. I wish I could tell that person to not worry and to continue pumping and freezing. Six months later I would have been so grateful for having foresight.  

Ha!  Foresight... is that such a thing for new parents? 

Breastfeeding is an amazing experience. I felt like a superwoman providing nutrition for my daughter. I loved getting to know her in a very intimate and sweet way. Those times were just the two of us. There were some feedings that were not as calm as the picture above. There was the time when I was nursing a crying baby in the Moby wrap on the shuttle from long-term parking at the airport to keep her calm and fed, then walking from the shuttle with a rolling suitcase in tow as we made our way into the airport... without missing a beat. We were such a team! She would latch on and I would take care of everything else. I really enjoyed these times.  

We made it to six months exclusively breastfeeding. It was not easy but it was very rewarding. I am so proud that I was solely able to provide nutrition for my daughter to grow for the first 6 months of her life.  We then started feeding her some foods and she really loved it! Her feeding schedule started changing and with it, I noticed my supply fluctuate. I started incorporating extra pumping sessions at home to make up for it. I took fenugreek pills, ate oatmeal, consumed lots of water, made lactation cookies with ingredients like brewer’s yeast and anything else you can think of to boost your supply. Some of these things seemed to work at times but I could feel myself getting more and more stressed. I wasn't enjoying it as much. I felt guilty. 

"It's not about me, it's about Ella. Why do I care if it stresses me out if it is what is best for her?" Mom guilt. 

Then one morning, I looked down at the bottle and there were only 3 ounces where there were 6 just a week ago. My morning pumping session was essential for making sure I produce enough milk for the next day's bottles I send to daycare. My supply had been steadily declining for a while but this was the final nail in the coffin. I knew I needed to make a decision about ending breastfeeding with Ella. 

When I was staring at those three ounces, I knew I wasn't doing either of us any favors. Ella does not need a mom who is stressed out and worn down. Ella needs a mom who is present. She needs me more than she needs my milk. 

So, I made the decision to stop pumping when she turned 9 months old. 

This was a very hard and emotional decision for me to make. But, I weighed all the facts and knew that I would be throwing self-care out the window if I tried to keep going.  

I am looking forward to what comes next in my parenting journey!  There is so much to look forward to and I will hold onto that.  I know that there is not just one way to bond with your child.  This ending means the beginning of so many things that I get to teach her and experience with her.  I am one lucky mama to have such a blessing in my life.  

*Disclaimer: this is my story. I made decisions that I felt were right for my family. I believe every mom/parent needs to make the right decisions for their own family. I hope no one feels judged for having a different story than I offer here*