Infertility: Just Relax

Infertility is an empty hallow feeling that is not often talked about because the emotions are so raw. People say, “Just relax and it will happen.” Well, asking someone to relax is like asking someone to not think about an apple. (What are you thinking about?) 

I experienced the gut wrenching pain of infertility myself when I was 27 years old. When we first started to try, the hope held on; for months in fact, I was hopeful. But after around six months I remember starting to feel that panicked anxious feeling that whispered, "What if you never have a baby?" "What if you never hug your own child?" Still, all the literature said to wait at least a year before you go to the doctor, so I did. I didn’t want to be dramatic, though the fear in my heart felt dramatic. 

After a year I went to the doctor and I remember he pat my knee and said, very reassuringly, “don’t worry honey, we’ll getcha pregnant." He was a sweet, well meaning man in his 60’s, so I know he didn’t mean to patronize me. But it did feel like he minimized everything in that moment. Plus, as a therapist, we are taught to never reassure someone of something like that. In fact, we are taught to face the deepest fear because the anxiety will eventually crest like a wave. My patience was thin by that point and my anxiety felt more like a hurricane, but we were going to try some new medicine so I began to hope again.

The medicine we were trying was called Clomid. I’m sure many of you reading this who have been to an infertility specialist know what it is, but for those who don’t, it grows your eggs so that they are mature and that there are more of them. It made my emotions go crazy!! I was experiencing PMS on steroids. My poor husband! I also had to go in and have a shot and get an ultrasound. It all felt very intense and invasive, but my experience is probably one of the least invasive. Still, for someone who is not used to it all, it felt like a lot.  

After three rounds of Clomid nothing had changed. I was very discouraged because my doctor said that he didn’t want to use it longer than 3 months because its effectiveness deceased. He decided to do a radiology procedure where they inserted dye and he was able to see if everything was as it should be. I only remember how painful it was. I remember screaming out and  the tech held my hand and said soothing things to me. I now work at that same hospital, and I see that teck almost every day. I wonder if she remembers…probably not. I’m sure there are so many patients. 

The results came back and everything seemed ok. The doctor then decided to do a laparoscopy, which is a surgery where they stick a camera through a hole in your belly button and then put air into you so they can check you out. You feel cramps in your shoulders because of the free air, but it eventually works it’s way out. The results were negative. This was good news, but for me, it meant no answers. 

I was so upset and discouraged. I would lay on my porch swing in my back yard and cry. I remember speaking with a friend about it and she was so kind and caring.  She had gone through infertility, and she knew how I was feeling. She told me to read a book called Hannah’s Hope. It was a story of a woman who had it much worse than I did. I couldn’t believe all she had went through! It talked about the infertility of Hannah in the Bible and how she had to wait and cry at the altar while her sister wife (for lack of a better term) would make fun of her for her empty womb. I feel that God used that book to teach me to wait on him. Over time, I gave the whole situation to Him and I LET IT GO. I wasn’t just relaxing; I was dying to want I wanted.

The doctor wanted to start injections of hormones next. It was about 2 years of trying at that point. I told him I needed a break, and I was so happy to take that break. After all the mood swings and procedures, I was ready. 

Four months later, I got pregnant on my own with no interventions. I think that it was simply God’s timing. I truly felt at that moment that the only reason I was pregnant is because God wanted me pregnant. I believe in fact, that he can overcome any situation, even birth control if he wants to. 

My sons are now 5 and 7 years old. They are amazing and awesome! I feel so blessed. If you are struggling with infertility, I encourage you to reach out and get help. Talk about your feelings with a trusted friend or counselor. Read books about coping, not about how to get pregnant. And try to be ok with waiting. I’ve learned that life is a series of waiting. Waiting to find the right one to marry, waiting to get pregnant, waiting for toddlers to get old enough to be potty trained...lots of waiting. A favorite quote: Don’t underestimate what God can do in your season of waiting.  

This blog was written by my sister-in-law, Ellie Malek, LCSW. Her and her husband (my brother, Matt) live in Evansville, IN with their two sons, Brayden and Gabriel. Matt is a Pastor and Ellie is a Social Worker. I am so incredibly lucky to have them in my family and grateful to Ellie for sharing her story.