Infertility: What Do "They" Know Anyway?

Three months “they" say is how long it takes an “average” couple to conceive. Six months “they” say is about the time it takes for someone struggling with fertility to conceive. What do “they” deem as average? Three, six, average, when, why, wait; these are all words in my mind as my husband and I have been on this journey for ten months. I guess we aren’t average, but then again, what does that really mean or at the very least imply?

At the simple, pure age of 14, I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I had scope surgery done at 16 to see how bad it was and well, it was bad. I was then given Lupron shots to help clear it up for six months. For the next nine months, I did not menstruate and was told I had 25% less of a chance to have children. At the age of 16 something like that doesn’t affect you too much so I went on with my life. In all honesty, I wasn’t ever sure I wanted to have kids and then I met my husband. I knew immediately I wanted to be the mother to his babies and bring life into this world with him. I don’t think one is ever truly prepared for parenthood and to put it bluntly we weren’t sure we’d ever wake up and say, “Okay, let’s have a baby.” We started talking about it after our two year wedding anniversary and decided I’d get off of birth control in June 2015. I guess deep down I knew it may or may not happen for us. Then three months went by, and then six. I went to see a new doctor as we’d recently moved to a different state. He is a wonderful physician and someone I really trust (which is super important). He did an ultrasound to see if my follicles were good, they were! Praise! My husband and I then decided to take the next step and have his sperm tested. Everything was “pretty good.” There are three main things the lab test with sperm samples. For my husband, two out of the three tests were average and one was below average but not significantly. The doctor explained that we could be as aggressive as we wanted with fertility treatment. He recommended we continue to try naturally for as long as we wanted but stated that he could recommend other alternatives after we’d been trying a year. However, he stressed that the decision was for us to make and that he would be supportive of any decision that we determined to be in our best interest. The holidays came and went, no pregnancy. Everyone around us was having babies, was it easy for them? I don’t know but I do know it’s hard to watch. When one is a control freak and you’re out of control of a major situation it’s not easy. January and February passed without me conceiving. You know what I needed to do that I’d been forgetting? Pray. Prayer was my answer. I needed to let go and let God. I needed to understand that there is a bigger plan that I can't possibly imagine.

In March 2016, I did an in home ovulation kit test. I figured out the exact day my levels were up and on that day my husband and I had intercourse. I remember thinking, this isn’t going to work. I had no faith. One week before I was set to start my period I had a breakdown in the car with my husband, outside our home. I cried and it was an ugly cry. I told him I wanted a baby so bad and I didn’t understand why it wasn’t happening. He reminded me that I have to have faith. He said God will provide for us and when He’s ready, He’ll give us a baby. I agreed, I pulled myself together, and I went inside and prayed. The next morning I woke up and decided to take a First Response pregnancy test. Usually I’d say these tests are horrible ideas because more often than not you get a negative result until you actually miss your period. This particular morning, after I took the test and let it sit on my counter as I brushed my teeth for two minutes, I got a surprise. Right before I was going to throw the test away, I noticed two pink lines (indicating positive), no…can it be? I was in shock. What do I do? Is that really an extra pink line? It’s so faint. I gave myself a mental pep talk that went something like this “be cool… act normal.” Honestly, I didn’t believe it and neither did my husband. We both thought it was a fluke. Let’s move on to the next day, I took another test, same results but something was different, I was bleeding. Not a good sign. I called my doctor right away and he wanted me to come in for blood work which I did- proto. After waiting all day for the phone call, finally someone from the doctor’s office called and said the machine in the lab broke and it would be the next day before my results would be known. Of course that meant more waiting. Day three, another positive at home test and the doctor’s office called back to verify that I truly was pregnant. The nurse requested I come in the next day for a follow up which I found out is routine to make sure your HcG levels double within 48 hours. Day four, another positive at home test, more blood work, and later in the day confirmation of higher levels. Is this happening? Can I get excited yet?!

The day I received confirmation that I was indeed pregnant was a Wednesday morning, I was about 5.5 weeks and the doctor scheduled me for an ultra sound at the 7.5 week mark. Two days after I received the results on my blood work, I went to the restroom to find that I was bleeding again but it wasn’t heavy, mainly just spotting which I was told was normal. I called and talked to a nurse at my doctor’s office and she requested that I come in that next Monday for some follow up blood work. I was told that I could do my normal activities except no heavy lifting and if the bleeding got worse or I started cramping that I should go to the emergency room. Over the weekend, I was fine. I continued to spot but nothing heavy. Monday morning rolls around and I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I went to the doctor to get my blood drawn, guess what? Yup, more waiting. I prayed that Monday more than I ever have in a single day in my life. I prayed for a healthy baby and asked God to help me be strong if for some reason our baby was no longer with us. That Monday, I was 6 weeks pregnant and I sat by the phone all day. Anytime the phone would ring, I would jump. I didn’t hear from the doctor’s office until 5:30 p.m. with news that no expectant mother ever wants to hear, “your levels came back and we’re sorry to tell you but you’re having a miscarriage.” I was in shock. I didn’t ask any questions, I don’t remember what was said after that, all I did was cry. I cried and cried and cried, for two full days I cried. We told our families what happened so we could have some support and that made us feel better. What happened to my baby? We’ll never know. The feeling I had that day is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. The worst part of this entire thing is that I was having to watch it leave my body. By this day, I was bleeding heavily and continued to do so for a full week. I had to go back into the doctor’s office two days after we received the terrible news to get my blood tested to determine what type blood I have. Turns out, I’m O- and my husband is O+. I needed a Rhogam shot to protect my next pregnancy so if the baby’s blood type is different than mine my body won’t try and fight it off. By this time, I was tired of going to the doctor’s office. I was at peace with what happened to me and I know my God will provide a perfect baby when it’s time; however, I was tired of being poked and these visits weren’t happy for me anymore. I called and requested that I get my levels checked when I had my Rhogam shot so I didn’t have to return multiple times, the nurse agreed that would be o.k. Finally, a week after we found out the terrible news I went in to have my blood drawn again and get the Rhogam shot. Much to my dismay, the nurses couldn’t find a vein and it took three tries before one of the nurses was able to draw blood. The Rhogam shot hurt worse than any other shot I’d ever taken but I was strong. I know that these are all necessary things to put this sad time behind us and look forward to when we’ll be able to try again. I’m still sad, and I still have moments where I cry for the loss of my baby but in the end, the silver lining is that we can get pregnant naturally. So, where do we go from here? We pray a lot and we try again. We have a wonderful support system around us and I have faith that this will happen for us. 

I wanted to share my story of waiting, total elation, and then devastating heartbreak because I know I’m not the only one. I know that there are mothers and families out there that have experienced much worse. I can never say, “I know how you feel,” because I only know how I felt. But I can tell you, it’s going to be o.k.

We are now back to square one and we’ll continue to try and we’ll continue to have faith that our God will provide for us.  If you’re struggling with infertility I’m sending you a virtual hug right now. Stay positive and healthy and always remember, it’s okay to talk about it.

(This blog was submitted anonymously)