5
Single. Alone. Lost. Searching. Confused.
These five words perfectly describe the state of my life five short years ago. I was 25, living alone, navigating the murky dating waters of Omaha, making interesting choices for my life, and not sure what the next day would bring. I was aimless. I watched as those around me built their careers, became involved in their community, dated people with potential, and were following a path toward an actual future.
It was the summer of 2010 when I hit a crossroads. Hard to believe since it seemed my life was not really following a path to anywhere. My mental state was not stable and the thoughts which crossed my mind started to scare me. The one stable presence that I let into my life at this time, my job, was in jeopardy and I knew I needed to seek help.
Journal entry, August 27, 2010:
I don't really know who to talk to about some things anymore...
A couple of weeks ago I had a very low moment . Actually, it was pretty bad.
I thought about ending it. Just for a moment - which was fleeting but it happened and quite frankly - it scared me... Right now I am searching, always searching.
The day I walked into my therapists office was a scary one. As much as I knew I needed to let in support from this stranger - I was aware that the process was going to hurt. There were things I did not want to confront - hurts from my past which were pushed back in my memory so that I would not have to deal with the pain again.
The next 6 months were difficult. I reflected on some of the most painful events in my life and confronted them head-on. I was tasked with granting forgiveness to people who have never apologized and who may never know the hurt they inflicted on my life. I experienced revelations about why I behave or react in specific situations. I was forced to be brave. I began to heal.
September 14, 2010:
I started therapy last week... I like my therapist - but there was a moment in there when I almost didn't trust her. I guess that speaks volumes as to why I need to see her... I am sad and maybe a little depressed. I am getting help though and just knowing that helps a lot... Life can be confusing. Right now it is very confusing but I know I can make it, I can get through this rough time.
The next 6 months were difficult. I reflected on some of the most painful events in my life and confronted them head-on. I was tasked with granting forgiveness to people who have never apologized and who may never know the hurt they inflicted on my life. I experienced revelations about why I behave or react in specific situations. I was forced to be brave. I began to heal.
April 8, 2011:
I have come through a lot in the last year... I am not perfect, I still have bad days but at the core I know who I am and I am striving to be the best version of that.
June 6, 2011:
I had a realization last night, I have done so much work on myself the last 10 years of my life. I have broken free of a bad control cycle and really discovered who I am and want to be... I enjoy that I have developed the strength to be me and not be sorry for that. Sometimes my own strength surprises me.
I look back now and know that I still had far to go from that point, and I still have a lifetime ahead of me to continue improving and looking for ways to be my greatest contribution to the ones I love. I am grateful that 5 years later, I can say that I am no longer the girl described by those first 5 words. I have redefined myself.
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